Things Guys Should Not Do
Miller Lite had a pretty awesome ad campaign a few years ago: The "Man-Law" commercials (Man Law Compilation Vid). It didn't make me want to drink Miller Lite mostly because pretty much all Miller products are terrible. But they've always had pretty solid commercials. Remember those "Great taste, less filling" cat fight girls?
It's really unfortunate their beer is like piss water because I would love to say I helped fund and support additional awesome commercials. But even money marketing can't make me drink Miller. But they had a good idea when it came to Man Law. The Man Laws were retired awhile back. At least, Miller Lite retired the panel. But I figured there's still too much new stuff going on that men are doing that they shouldn't be. Here are some new ones:
1) Men should never use emoticons or internet/text shorthand (LOL, TTYL, OMG, etc...) It is emasculating and makes us sound and look like teenage girls. I have no evidence of this, but I'm pretty sure any guy that uses these things in chats are immediately and permanently put in the friend cellar due to acting like a complete pussy. No emoticons. No bad grammar abbreviations.
2) Men should never have hair longer than their girlfriends. This isn't the 90's, you're not in an 80's hair metal band. You're the man. She's the lady. Gender reversals are a trend but the length of hair shouldn't be. Even Fabio trimmed his locks. Get a haircut if from the back you look like the chick in the relationship.
3) Men should never wear speedos or thongs ever. Aubrey Huff did it as a joke and a luck charm. That's only slightly acceptable. Swimmers do it for speed. Still a bad idea, but understandable. No other male should be seen in a speedo or thong ever, I don't care if you are John Holmes reincarnated. Women are beautiful creatures. They look great in skimpy clothing. We do not guys. Not even The Situation could pull off this feat and have girls find it attractive. This SHOULD be a no brainer but someone needs to inform the European males about this.
4) Men should never cry while watching a movie. There really isn't an excuse for this unless the tears are coming from seeing epic beauty that is blinding, like Brooklyn Decker coming out of the water.
Movies are works of fiction. Women are emotional, so they're allowed to cry at these things. Men on the other hand are, in theory, more rational and thus should understand they're watching people read lines from a piece of paper aloud and attribute no emotional attachment to them. When Bambi's mom died, 7 year old me cheered. Fact. Fuck animals, go humans!
5) Men should never wrestle. Ok, I know this one isn't traditional. "Boys will be boys" is an expression often used to describe dudes getting huffy with each other. However, wrestling just crosses the line. There's a lot of groping, sweating, and grunting. When I'm groping, sweating, and grunting, it better be in a bed and it better be with someone that has breasts. There's no reason guys should ever have their sweaty bodies rub up against each other in an effort to "pin" the other. At least in boxing, guys are throwing punches at each other before hugging each other due to exhaustion. In wrestling, it's non stop grabbing at each other. And, let's not forget about those pro wrestlers. They're doing all this while wearing, for all intents and purposes, speedos and/or spandex. A double no-no!
The defense rests.
My Name is Macster and I Approve This Message
It's really unfortunate their beer is like piss water because I would love to say I helped fund and support additional awesome commercials. But even money marketing can't make me drink Miller. But they had a good idea when it came to Man Law. The Man Laws were retired awhile back. At least, Miller Lite retired the panel. But I figured there's still too much new stuff going on that men are doing that they shouldn't be. Here are some new ones:
1) Men should never use emoticons or internet/text shorthand (LOL, TTYL, OMG, etc...) It is emasculating and makes us sound and look like teenage girls. I have no evidence of this, but I'm pretty sure any guy that uses these things in chats are immediately and permanently put in the friend cellar due to acting like a complete pussy. No emoticons. No bad grammar abbreviations.
2) Men should never have hair longer than their girlfriends. This isn't the 90's, you're not in an 80's hair metal band. You're the man. She's the lady. Gender reversals are a trend but the length of hair shouldn't be. Even Fabio trimmed his locks. Get a haircut if from the back you look like the chick in the relationship.
3) Men should never wear speedos or thongs ever. Aubrey Huff did it as a joke and a luck charm. That's only slightly acceptable. Swimmers do it for speed. Still a bad idea, but understandable. No other male should be seen in a speedo or thong ever, I don't care if you are John Holmes reincarnated. Women are beautiful creatures. They look great in skimpy clothing. We do not guys. Not even The Situation could pull off this feat and have girls find it attractive. This SHOULD be a no brainer but someone needs to inform the European males about this.
4) Men should never cry while watching a movie. There really isn't an excuse for this unless the tears are coming from seeing epic beauty that is blinding, like Brooklyn Decker coming out of the water.
5) Men should never wrestle. Ok, I know this one isn't traditional. "Boys will be boys" is an expression often used to describe dudes getting huffy with each other. However, wrestling just crosses the line. There's a lot of groping, sweating, and grunting. When I'm groping, sweating, and grunting, it better be in a bed and it better be with someone that has breasts. There's no reason guys should ever have their sweaty bodies rub up against each other in an effort to "pin" the other. At least in boxing, guys are throwing punches at each other before hugging each other due to exhaustion. In wrestling, it's non stop grabbing at each other. And, let's not forget about those pro wrestlers. They're doing all this while wearing, for all intents and purposes, speedos and/or spandex. A double no-no!
The defense rests.
My Name is Macster and I Approve This Message
Field of Dreams! How do you not cry at the Field of Dreams!
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