Resolutionist History

I usually don't make New Year's resolutions because they're typically bullshit. I don't think I've ever met anyone that actually kept up their resolutions for a whole 365. However, I do make goals for myself each year. And these goals are different than resolutions because unlike resolutions, goals are finite. Resolutions almost always are changes in habits that you have had forever. The chance that you actually make life altering changes to your habits are slim. That's why we see a flood of new people at the gym in January and maybe halfway through February. They think they're going to change their habit of not exercising regularly. The intention is there. The motivation is there. Yet, inevitably, every year, the crowd thins come March. Why? Because these people aren't gym people. Yeah, there's the select few that go on and become regular exercisers but chances are they're splurging somewhere else, not keeping up with one of their other resolutions. There's the peeps who give up smoking or drinking in the new year. For the smoker, that usually lasts until they get hammered for the first time in the New Year. Then they have that "social cigarette". Next thing you know, they've revised their resolution to only smoking when they drink. And coincidentally enough, all of a sudden they're drinking more often. Come February or March, they're back to smoking full time. Drinkers? All it takes is one event for them to fall off the wagon. One friend's birthday. One wedding. One hard day at the office. They just need "a drink." What's they've broken their resolution, they amend it. They're only going to drink beer from now on and cut out the Hard A. Then, in February or March, you guessed it, they're back to full bar mode. But it's not our fault! We've been living by our own set of rules and habits for years and just because it's a new year, we're going to just go cold turkey and change? The more things change, the more they remain the same. If you're a slob, you're probably always going to be a slob. If you're lazy (like I am), you're probably not going to become motivated to NOT be lazy, even if you try. If you're boring, you're probably not going to develop a wicked sense of humor overnight. So these resolutions that MOST people make are bullshit. And I fell prey to it last year. Instead of doing my normal goals, I actually made resolutions. Or in other words, I made false promises to myself. Looking back on my mind fake outs, they went something like this:

1. I'm going to take a trip out of the country

Well, I planned on it. I wanted to. But of course, like most things in life worth doing, I made excuses not to do it. I didn't have the money. Weak sauce. In 2010 I'm planning again on traveling somewhere outside the country. But I'm not making it a resolution. Because if I do, it's doomed.

2. I'm going to go sky diving, learn how to dance and cook, do yoga, and take surfing lessons.

Well, I planned on it. I wanted to. But in the end, these were resolutions. So of course they failed. Now sky diving was essentially a goal that I just failed to do. Sky diving really is a one time thing. It doesn't necessitate any sort of change in habitual patterns. Well, it does mean not shitting your pants and throwing caution to the wind and jumping out of a plane even though everything our body is born to know tells us not to. But I just didn't do it. The other things definitely would have required effort and change. If you know me at all, you know I'm about as foreign in a kitchen as Tiger Woods is familiar with ethnic women (hey, it's my first Tiger Woods joke, I held out this long, gimme a break). Claiming I'd learn to cook was noble on my part but at no point was it logical. I mean, maybe one day I'll learn how to cook more than Ramen, Mac N Cheese, and frozen shit I can throw in the oven and heat up but it's going to be gradual. I'm not going to go from Chef Boyardee to Bobby Flay overnight. And the learning to dance thing was just comical. My idea of dancing is acting out the crazy dance moves from Pulp Fiction. Only poorly. And not in rhythm. My dancing also includes jumping and fist pumping. And I'd like to point out that I was doing that long before those douchebags from Jersey Shore showed up. So again, learning to dance would have been cool but it would have meant changing my habits radically i.e. I'd have to find a dance partner, go to dance classes, and otherwise miss sitting at home and watching sports. Wasn't going to happen. And finally, surfing? I love the idea of surfing. I envy those who can surf and who surf well. But here's a little fun fact about Macster. I'm terrified of the open ocean. At least swimming in it. I don't like how I can't see anything below the surface and I'm grossed out by seaweed and other slimy things that may brush against you while you're out there. So I would have had to totally overcome that fear to become a surfer. In other words, that wasn't going to happen. And that's the things with resolutions. They sound grand at the time, but the chance you'll actually stay with whatever it is you pledge you're going to do for a full year is minimal. Looking back at my resolutions, I can say I failed. But looking back on 2009, did I really? I didn't travel out of the country but did I travel? You bet your ass.

January: Los Angeles

February: Austin (first time)

March: Scottsdale (Spring Training Trip Aka The best vacation each and every year)

April: Nowhere

May: Nowhere

June: Newport Beach

July: Denver/Aspen(first time), Lake Tahoe, and Lake Shasta

August: New Orleans (first time)

September: Nowhere

October: Back to Austin

November: Nowhere

December: Nowhere

7 out of 12 months I went somewhere last year. Not bad. Can't say I'm upset with that. I also got laid off and had a summer vacation because of it. Began a new job that I love (even if it totally stresses). So, in fact, 2009 was nothing close to a failure. It's only because I set those damn resolutions!! So enough with those damn self-conceived lies. It's time for my goals of 2010.

1. Travel (anywhere).

This should be easy. I might go to LA this fucking weekend. I might go to Vegas for my 30th. And that would complete the goal. See how simple?

2. Take Macster Uncensored to new heights.

Ok, that may be lofty. But I'm consistently blogging and I might think about taking this thing public (hello advertisers). However, it's very vague so I can't be held accountable for not completing this goal because, well, it could be anything. Which would mean I DID complete it.

3. No alcoholic beverages in the month of January.

Unlike giving up drinking completely, this isn't a resolution because it doesn't last the whole friggin' year. It lasts 31 days. And I'm roughly halfway there already. In no way am I impeding my alcoholism because I know come February, Macster Madness will be back in effect. To a certain degree at least.

That's it. Nothing ludicrous. I'm not going to claim I'll be ready to be a contestant for Dancing with the Stars come December. I'm not going to dominate the kitchen next Thanksgiving. I'm going to fucking travel someplace, I'm going to write more in this blog, and I'm going to get my sober on for 18 more days. If, along the way, I DO learn to cook or I attend a yoga class or I lose 10 pounds or I participate in a threesome... well so be it. But I ain't making it no resolution!

My name is Macster and I resolve to approve this message.