Macster Musings: The Art of Sport

Since it's October and it's arguably the best time of the year for sports, I thought I'd touch on some sporting themes.

First and foremost, Red Sox fans? I'm not going to kick you guys while you're down. Wait, I take it back. I'm not going to kick BOSTON Red Sox fans while they're down. I don't feel terribly bad for you, though. You had a real long wait for your first World Series title since 1918 but you won in 2004 and 2007 so I can't feel sorry for you, especially since I'm a Giants fan and San Francisco hasn't experienced a parade since the team got here in 1958. And when they periodically DO make the playoffs, they find the most excruciating ways to lose possible or God intervenes with a natural disaster so the f'ing crossbay A's can set their rotation up perfectly to finish us off. However, I absolutely will revel in the misery of those Red Sox fans that aren't from Massachusetts. You know one. In fact, you probably know several. They're the ones that root for the Red Sox for no apparent reason and when you ask them why they root for the Red Sox, they have the lamest "reasons" ever. They root for the Red Sox because they hate the Yankees... but they're from Wisconsin. They root for the Red Sox because, well, they like how the cap looks. They root for the Red Sox because David Ortiz reminds them of Cookie Monster and who doesn't have a soft spot for that sugar-crazed snack addict? My personal favorite is the random relative that lives somewhere in Massachusetts. My buddy Chris is a Red Sox fan for this reason. Born and raised right here in San Francisco, Chris rejected the Giants and the A's as baseball teams to follow. Instead he's a Red Sox fan. Why? Because some random relative of his lived on the East Coast growing up and he used to visit them here and there and he just gravitated toward the Red Sox. Really? We real sporting fans have a couple common pet peeves. And yes, you're not a real fan if you root for a non-local team when you have a perfectly viable local team to root for, especially if one of those teams are really good which the A's were in the 80's and the Giants were here and there in the late 80's and 90's. One is bandwagon fans. If you can't suffer the heartbreak most fans experience year to year, don't call yourself a fan. You're a casual observer who just happens to buy new gear and tickets when the team is awesome. Part of being a fan is having your heart ripped out by your team, stomped on, and then reinserted into your chest for another round the following season. You casual fucks can't even celebrate properly because you haven't known what it has felt like to suffer for so long. Fuck you.

Second is the fan who can't commit to ANY team. You know these douches.

Sports Fan: "Who's your team?"
Sports Douche: "Oh, you know, I don't really have one team. I just am a fan of the game."

No, you're a fan of indecisiveness and more often than not, you're the trifecta of sports douchiness. You don't commit to one team. Once a team is destined for great things, you'll commit to that team (halfheartedly) for the season. And more than likely, that team isn't the team you would have rooted for had you been a real fan i.e. not your local/childhood team. Fuck off.

Third is the fan that tries too hard. These guys get a break because at least they're trying. But these are the fans that know absolutely nothing about the game but will go off on tangents about the team, a play, a call, and sound absolutely ridiculous to anyone that actually knows how the game is played. Look, I like your passion. But if you don't know what you're talking about, don't pretend that you do. Because you come off as even more of a douche.

I know I was picking on the Red Sox faux fans. But the truth is, these so-called fans are all over. There are Yankees faux fans, Cowboys faux fans, Lakers faux fans, Cubs faux fans, Celtics faux fan... they're everywhere in every city. And they're never more evident than when the playoffs are occurring. Want proof? Go to a sports bar while a game is being played. Ask the guy in the NY hat what part of New York he grew up in. And when he answers "Oh, I grew up in (insert non NY city here) but my 3rd cousin had a place in Brooklyn and when I went there one time in 1987 he took me to Yankee Stadium and, ya know, I'm really just a fan of the game and the Yankees are the Cowboys of baseball, they're America's team, so I'm rooting for them, especially since I really hate the Red Sox. Besides, the Red Sox won the World Series last year and I really just want to see someone new get a ring. And how can you not like Jason Giambi, that guy is the man. Go YANKEES!" feel free to point out the Red Sox won the World Series in 2007 and that it's convenient he's rooting for the Yankees because his local team from (insert wherever he's from) finished in 4th place this year and that Jason Giambi is no longer on the Yankees and that he's just proven beyond a shadow of a doubt, he is the king of sports douches. Then take his Yankees hat and run out and give it to the nearest homeless man who probably deserves it more than the d-bag who previously was wearing it.

But speaking of the playoffs and the Yankees... to paraphrase the great Wes Mantooth:

"I hate you Derek Jeter. But goddammit, I respect you."

And who would have thought Alex Rodriguez would actually show up in the playoffs? I guess eventually it had to happen. He was going to be given enough chances with the Yanks...

My original prediction for the World Series was Yankees/Cardinals with the Cards winning in 6. Cardinals fucked that up by wasting an amazing Wainwright start and then throwing in the towel in Game 3 and getting steamrolled by the fucking Dodgers of all teams. How the hell are the Dodgers as good as they are? Their offense is really good but a rotation of Wolf, Kershaw, Padilla is really going to the NLCS? Hopefully the Phillies will expose them. However, the Dodgers pen is much better than the Phillies. But it should be a good series. As much as I hate the Angels for, well, a World Series that shall not be named, I'd like to see them win the whole thing. There isn't one unlikeable guy on that team. The Phillies are pretty classy except Chase Utley, who is a first rate A-hole by all accounts. Besides, they won it last year. So fuck them. And the Dodgers are Satan's Spawn.

Meanwhile, basketball and hockey are back. If you feel a breeze, it's not winter coming on, it's the collective yawn from most of America.

With football season underway, I often ponder what I get more excited about - College football Saturdays or NFL Sundays. I have to go with college football because hangovers on Sunday aren't as bad as hangovers at work on Mondays...

And finally, rowers of America, I fully admit to you guys. Nothing kills me faster, literally nothing exhausts me faster, than the fucking row machine. Props to you guys.






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